


Mend My Broken Parts

by soinlovewithlarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Cutting, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2014-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-27 08:46:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soinlovewithlarry/pseuds/soinlovewithlarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis self-harms. Harry sleeps around. Louis wants something real between them, he knows Harry feels the same way but Harry is just too afraid to admit it to himself. Louis feels like he’s no good. And well, Harry’s a bit of an asshole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So this is my first actual full-length fanfic. Please comment and leave kudos!  
> WARNING: MAY BE TRIGGERING.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy! :)

Louis’s fingers curl around the doorknob, slowly closing it so he doesn’t wake up his roommates and best friends, Liam and Niall. He can hardly see the small bathroom that he shares with the boys, through his blurry vision.

He can’t stop the tears from forming and spilling out across his pink cheeks. Forming and spilling, forming and spilling on a never-ending cycle. He can’t even find the strength to wipe them away, so he just lets them fall across his cheeks and on to the ground.

Louis looks at his reflection in the mirror and suddenly feels nothing but anger and hate. Not towards _him_ though, but towards himself. For being so naïve and stupid. For making the same mistake again.

It’s taken so much time to heal the pain, so much effort, and now it’s all gone and he has been stripped from everything that he’s tried so hard to put back together. All the pieces he’s tried to pick back up and put into place. 

He wants to take something, anything, and just throw it at his reflection. His knuckles turn white as he tightens his fingers around the counter tops. He can’t stand to look at himself. But he won’t do it because he doesn’t want to wake up Liam and Niall.

Because he doesn’t want to worry them. Because he wants to make this whole thing as discrete as possible, just like it’s always been and just like it always will be.

It’s about 5:30 AM, and the boys will be awake shortly. Louis walks over to the little wooden cabinet in the corner of the bathroom. The creamy-white tiles beneath his feet are cold enough to leave him shivering, but he tries his best to ignore it.

He makes his way over to the cabinet and searches for the hidden item he’s kept there for a while now. 

He moves his hand around, patting, finding the item he’s searching for until his fingers touch the small cold metal and he picks it up. Then, Louis walks over to the toilet and pulls the cover down, plopping on the seat. The small metal, the blade, illuminates in the light coming from the light bulb above him. 

This is the only way to help him relieve his internal pain, the heavy feeling in his heart that’s weighing him down.

It’s the only way to take his mind off of things, even if it is for a few moments. It’s the only way to make him feel the way he deserves to be treated. He raises the small blade and horizontally presses it to his wrist, slowly moving it downwards. 

Suddenly the heavy feeling in his heart is gone and the only thing he can feel for a moment is the numbing pain he feels coming from his wrist. The pain he deserves to feel, for being so stupid. And he loves it. He loves the pain he feels. This is his drug, his addiction. 

He winces as he cuts another line under the first one, the tears still spilling from his eyes, like a broken faucet that won’t close. A broken faucet that can’t be fixed no matter how hard you try.

The tears fall and mix in with the blood that has now started seeping from the cuts and it stings, it stings a lot, but he doesn’t say a word, doesn’t make a single sound except for the occasional sniffing coming from his now pink-tainted nose.

After a while of just sitting there, He walks over to the sink, washes the blade, and puts it back into the cabinet. Next, he grabs the small yellow tube of Neosporin and two bandages. He’s almost mastered this routine by now.

Walking back over to the sink, he sets the items down on the counter and runs his arm under the lukewarm running water. It stings just a little but he enjoys the feeling, and watches the blood disappear. He pats his arm dry with a washcloth and applies the ointment and bandages to each of the cuts. 

Opening the door carefully, he tiptoes back into his room and takes off the old grey t-shirt he’s been wearing. It’s still dark outside, but the sun will be up any minute. His alarm clock will go off in ten minutes anyway so he might as well get dressed for uni.

He finds a clean long sleeved navy jumper and pulls it on over his head, pairing it with some slightly ripped blue jeans and his favorite dark grey Vans.

He’s thankful for the chilly September weather outside, thankful he gets to wear long sleeves and no one has to see his bandages, because Liam and Niall will definitely question how he got them. 

His eyes don’t look as red and puffy as he thought they would, and he’s thankful for that as well. 

He glances at his bed and tries to shove away the memories of last night to the back of his mind. He can’t believe he’s done it again, after everything that’s happened.

He can hear the door to Liam’s room open, knowing he’s probably awake and slipping into the bathroom. He can still hear Niall softly snoring so he decides to wake him up, but truly he just wants to get away from this room.

This room that’s filled with terrible, terrible memories that he wants to rid himself of. 

~~~

Louis cooks breakfast for the three of them. They all usually take turns cooking but Louis is a shit cook and Niall is usually the last one awake so Liam cooks breakfast most of the time. 

But since Louis is already awake and since he wants to repay the favor of the boys always having to put up with him, he decides to do it. He knows they love him and care about him like a brother, but he feels they secretly grow tired of him sometimes. Or maybe he’s just being dramatic. 

"Good morning," Liam mumbles sleepily, as he wraps his strong arms around Louis. "What are you making? Smells delicious."

The thing about Liam is that he’s always too good to Louis, with his gentle touches and everything. Louis doesn’t deserve good.

He’s known Liam his whole life, since he was 8 actually, and he’s just always treated him so well.

Louis met Niall in high school and ever since then the three of them have been inseparable. What he loves about Niall is the fact that he’s so chill and laid back and funny and so caring at the same time. His presence just makes you happy and can change the mood of a room filled with people. 

"Eggs and bacon," Louis replies. "Can you hand me the plates?"

"Of course." Liam smiles.

“‘Morningggg!” Niall says cheerfully in his thick Irish accent, sneaking up behind them and giving them each a hug. “Had the best sleep ever! What’s for breakfast?”

They all sit down at the table, laughing and talking, and Louis wonders how he got so lucky to find such great friends, he knows he doesn’t deserve. 

"I have a study group after school, so I won’t be able to make it to dinner." Liam announces. 

"A’right, I guess I’ll just grab some take-out for Lou and I on the way home." Niall says.

Liam rolls his eyes at him and smiles. 

"Louis? That okay with you?" Niall asks, snapping Louis back into reality. 

"Y-yeah, sounds good." Louis replies hesitantly. 

"D’you even know what I said?" Niall questions. 

Louis slowly shakes his head, indicating a ‘no’. 

"You okay, Lou? You seem distant today." Liam says.

" ‘M fine." Louis mumbles.

They don’t push the conversation any further, knowing Louis just probably needs some space. 

It’s not until they’re all getting out of the car and walking into the uni building that Louis realizes he’ll have to see him again. The beautiful curly haired boy that makes his heart beat faster.

The one who also makes him rage with anger. The one who he has cried countless tears for.

The one who makes him feel like complete shit, but also the only person he’s ever known who has the ability to give him that kind of warmth inside his body, that warmth inside his chest, that no one else can.


	2. Chapter 2

There he is looking gorgeous as always. His brown floppy hair sits perfectly on his head. His smile so enormous it could light up this world. His beautiful lips, a shade of bright pink… And _God_ those _dimples_. Those fucking dimples. He'd been crushing on this boy ever since high school.

Harry fucking Styles looks too good to be true, wearing that black scoop neck t-shirt with a dark grey jacket, paired with those signature black skinny jeans that are slightly ripped at the knees, and those brown leather boots that seem to be glued to his feet. 

"Louis, you okay? You don't look so good. I mean you look great it's just—are you feeling okay? You look pale." Niall asks, his voice laced with worry. 

"I'm f-fine." Louis stutters. 

"Is this about last night?" Niall asks. He notices Louis's body stiffen and immediately apologizes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-" 

"Niall!" Liam scolds.

"No, it's fine." Louis says, trying his best to sound nonchalant. 

Louis's mind flickers to last night, when him and the boys were off at a bar. The music was blaring from the speakers, and they were having a few drinks.

Harry was there looking gorgeous as ever, shamelessly flirting with Louis. Louis was trying so hard not to give in, not to fall into Harry's captivating little trap, like he'd done before, but everything about the boy made Louis's insides melt and made his brain freeze up. 

He knew what Harry did. Everyone knew. Harry was known for sleeping around with anyone he could get his hands on, mainly boys, but even a few girls.   
Louis had been hurt by Harry before, and he couldn't bare to go through it again. But there he was, making an ass out of himself. 

This time though, Harry had seemed different. He'd seemed kind and sweet and caring. He seemed to have a sparkle in his eye that Louis hadn't noticed before and with all those gentle touches he kept giving him, Louis was melting.

His brain was becoming foggy, but not from the alcohol he'd barely even touched, but from the affect the taller boy had on him.   
Harry was fully aware of Louis's massive crush on him; everyone was. 

After what seemed like hours of snogging, Harry had suggested they head to Louis's place, and with the look Harry gave him, his full lips in an adorable little pout, Louis complied. 

When Louis informed Liam and Niall he was heading back to the apartment with Harry, they had tried to talk him out of it. They knew he'd be one of Harry's little toys, and they didn't want their precious Louis getting hurt. But Louis was an idiot, and had insisted they let him go. 

If they were to say 'I told you so' right now, Louis wouldn't blame them at all. 

The short ride back to the apartment had seemed to drag on forever in their hot and bothered state of desperation. 

Once they had reached the apartment, Louis was expecting Harry to be rough with him, like their previous night together a few months back, but Harry had been nothing but soft and tender, murmuring soothing words against his lips and kissing him softly. 

When they were hastily tugging their clothes off, desperate to touch each others' skin, Louis was thankful that Harry hadn't turned the light on, because the scars on his legs and near his shoulders had faded, but were still slightly noticeable. 

Louis had tried to recall why he should stop, but with Harry's mouth on his all he could think was _harryharryharry_.

He could feel himself getting hard, just looking at Harry's perfectly toned abs and the v-line that was peeking out from his boxers. Both boys had swiftly removed their remaining clothes, revealing their naked bodies. 

"Turn around baby." Harry had whispered. Louis obeyed. Harry kissed along Louis's jaw and down to the base of his neck, sucking very gently, possibly light enough not to leave a love bite.

Louis had loved the feeling however, it was different. Meaningful and filled with passion. Nothing he had ever remembered experiencing before.

Harry had laid Louis down on the bed and taken his fingers prepping him open. Next he had taken his own length in his hands and pushed the tip into Louis's hole, earning a small moan from Louis' pink lips. He had pushed in the rest of his cock and pressed his lips to Louis forehead, lingering them there as he pushed in deeper.

"You can move, Harry." Louis remembered whispering desperately. Harry had pushed his hips in and out slowly, savoring the tight feeling of the withering boy beneath him. 

"Ah Harry." Louis had moaned out softly, Harry hitting Louis prostate with his slow sensual thrusts.

"Shh baby" Harry whispered into Louis's feathery hair. 

Moments later they were both cumming and Louis had felt Harry pull out of him. The bed shifted and Louis had turned around to see Harry standing. Harry must have seen the look of horror that was on Louis's face.

"Just going to get a towel, so I can get us cleaned up, babe." Harry said softly. 

Louis had relaxed at that and watched Harry saunter off into the bathroom, returning with a damp washcloth. After Harry had wiped Louis and himself up he curled up behind Louis, his chest pressed to Louis's back. 

"Please don't leave," Louis had whispered. "please don't leave like you did last time. Stay."

There was no response from Harry at first, and Louis remembered feeling like he was going to cry.

"Harry?" Louis croaked. 

Harry had hesitated, not knowing what to say, but he finally gave in. 

"I won't." He whispered, wrapping his arms around Louis protectively. 

And Louis remembered feeling at home and content, in Harry's safe arms. 

Until he woke up the next morning.  

***

Louis remembers waking up in the middle of the night, probably around 3 AM, cold and shivering and alone. 

It was pitch black in the room and when he reached out to feel for Harry, he grasped a handful of nothing. 

Suddenly, Louis felt as if he couldn't breath, as if someone had shut off the only source of oxygen that was left in the world. Nonono he thought.This can't be happening again.  

Louis remembers frantically feeling around for Harry, but the only thing he made contact with, was the cold sheets and the empty pillow that smelled of him.

He remembered feeling like someone had tore out his lungs and he was suffocating from lack of breath.

What had happened between them last night was something else. Something entirely different. 

Louis was sure that Harry had not just had sex with him, but it had felt like he had made love to him. 

And then it hit Louis like a freight train. Harry hadn't really been planning to actually stay the night.

He had just been waiting for Louis to fall asleep so he could creep out of bed and leave him, cold and broken. 

Louis feels so stupid to think Harry was actually going to stay. 

And that's what led him to grabbing the shiny, silver piece of metal this morning. Because he felt stupid. Stupid because he's fallen in love with someone who he knows he'll never be able to have.  

Stupid and worthless and angry, all towards himself.

The bell rings, snapping Louis out of his dazed state.

He walks right past Harry with his head down, and it takes everything in him, every ounce of strength he has, not to glance up at the beautiful curly haired boy.

Thankfully, History is his first class of the day, and it's a subject he really enjoys, rather than Calculus, which he dreads more than waking up on Monday mornings.

Lunch time comes around and Louis, Niall, and Liam decide to go eat out at a popular little café, not far from campus. 

They walk into the crowded place and take a seat at an empty booth near a large window, all chatting about their plans for Thanksgiving break, which is only a few weeks away.

"Can you believe the semester is almost over," Niall says. "It feels like only yesterday it was New Years, and now another year has gone by."

"There's still a month and a half left!" Louis laughs. 

"What are your guys' plans this year? For the three day weekend, I mean." Liam asks. 

"Probably goin' back to Mullingar to visit my family," Niall responds. "What about you guys?"

"Might go to Doncaster to visit my family as well." Louis says excitedly, taking a small bite out of his chicken sandwich. 

He can't wait to go back home. Being away for uni, he doesn't get to see his family as much, and he misses his mother and his sisters more than anything. 

"My parents were saying something about coming down here to London to visit. Not sure though." Liam says.

And Louis is trying desperatly to be here, with his friends and away from the negative thoughts in his mind that are running a mile a minute. He trys his best to keep a smile on his face so the boys don't start worrying about him again.

He figures they have enough problems in their own lives and don't need to burdened with all of his countless issues too.

 

 The day carries on and Louis is walking out of Chemistry, his last class of the day, and heading towards his car where Niall is probably waiting for him, when he hearsthat voice.

The one he'd notice practically anywhere. 

"Hey Lou." says a deep shaky.

Louis stops in his tracks, too afraid to turn around.

After a few seconds pass in silence, he finally gets enough strength to face the owner of the deep voice. 

"What?" Louis snaps.

And if Louis isn't mistaken, it almost looks as if Harry is nervous and unsure. 

"Look," Harry says, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm really sorry-"

"Save it." Louis mutters harshly, before turning towards the door and leaving an exasperated looking Harry.

"No Louis, wait!"

But Louis continues walking, without so much as a glance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so badly written, but it's kind of a preview of Harry's point of view and I wanted to keep it short so I don't give too much away. Forgive me xx

Ch.4

HARRY'S POV

 _I've fucked up. I've fucked up big time_ is all Harry can think. 

He knew Louis didn't mean what he had said. His eyes were telling Harry more than his words were.

There was pain etched in every inch of his face, and Harry knew it was because of him. 

Yesterday evening things had gone so well at the party and even up until last night they were fine. 

In fact, better than fine. They were absolutely great. 

But then he had to fuck it all up this morning. 

Deep down, his heart desires Louis, but his mind seems to have betrayed him. 

He'd had the most mind-blowing sex of his life, and who better yet to share that experience with than Louis.

Everything was going smoothly and then he just had to fucking ruin everything. 

And worst of all, he feels as if he's crushed Louis, like an aluminum coke can. 

Louis. The one who he can't just seem to stay away from. The one he can't get enough of.

The one who gives him that weird unknown feeling in his stomach that he's never felt before.

Harry vividly remembers Louis's voice when he had thought that Harry was going to leave him. 

 _"Please don't leave,"_   Louis had whispered. _"please don't leave like you did last time. Stay."_

And honestly Harry had been planning on leaving at first, because he's not used to staying and cuddling post-sex. 

But when Louis had said those words, when he had told Harry to stay, with that hopeful look on his beautiful face, Harry knew in an instant that he wasn't going anywhere. 

He laid next to Louis, spooning him and holding him tightly.

He remembered Louis's heartbeat slowing down to a calm, soft sound as he drifted off into sleep.  

Everything seemed great. Or at least it had for the time being. 

Except Harry couldn't sleep, because his mind was racing with thoughts a mile a minute.

And then he felt it. That foreign feeling. Love? No it couldn't have been.

Love didn't exist. There was no such thing.

It scared Harry. It frightened him so much. The feelings he had for Louis. They scared him to death.

If love couldn't have existed for his parents, the ones who raised him, the ones who had seemed to be so head over heels for each other, and then gotten divorced shortly after he was born, then it sure as hell couldn't exist for him. 

Love was bullshit. 

He couldn't have possibly felt _love_ for this boy. 

Most people spend their entire lives searching for love, and some never find it. It couldn't have been that easy for Harry to find love.

This was his life, not some cheesy, Hollywood romance movie.

He was young and deluded. He thought he was just being silly and over thinking the whole situation. 

His heart was repeatedly telling him, pleading him to stay, but his mind and body seemed to have other plans. 

Careful not to awaken the beautiful boy in his arms, he had slowly slid his arms away from Louis's warm body. 

Louis had stirred in his sleep, but quickly went back to softly snoring. 

Harry had crept out of Louis's bed and tiptoed across the room, grabbing his clothes that had been strewn across the floor, and slipping them back on. 

He had quickly gotten dressed, slipped on his shoes, and grabbed his keys, before taking one last glance at Louis, and exiting out of the bedroom, gently closing the door behind him. 

Harry had assumed Liam and Niall, Louis's roommates, were in their rooms sleeping as well, so he had tiptoed across the hallway and into the foyer, where the main door to the small, cozy apartment was and slipped away without making a single sound.

The wind had been cold and it made Harry shiver. It was about 2:30 AM.

The moonlight had been shining down, reflecting off of his dark colored sports car.

He had unlocked the door and slipped into the drivers seat.

He drove home in the dark, his favorite mix tape, the one that his best friend and roommate Zayn had made him for his 18th birthday, playing softly in the background.

He tried to let the song that was playing, The Scientist by Coldplay, one of his favorites, block out the thoughts in his head.

Thinking and dwelling too much made his head hurt and it only made him feel even more guilty than he already felt. 

Deep down, he knew he'd regret this later. Leaving Louis alone, without so much as a goodbye.

He felt terrible.

The least he could have done was left Louis a note, explaining to him how he felt and why the poor boy had woken up alone.

And he was right. He was regretting it now, more than ever. 

It caused him pain to see Louis in pain. As if hurting him once wasn't enough, but twice?

He never had intended to hurt the boy. 

And he didn't know what to do to make everything better, because Louis would not even look at him anymore, let alone speak to him.

How on earth was he supposed to fix this?

He didn't have a clue of what he was going to do to get Louis to not hate him anymore, but he knew he had to do something about it.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while since I've updated! The holidays are busy. I also combined chapters 2 and 3 into one chapter so it's longer. This ones a bit short but the next will be longer, promise! Enjoy and please comment and leave kudos! Xx

  
Louis came home that evening and crashed on his bed. He was so tired he couldn't even keep his eyelids open. 

What an exhausting day it had been. It was the first day of November and it was drizzling outside. Louis never like November; It got dark too early and it was dark in the mornings, when he left for his lectures, as well. He thought he was going to suffocate from the lack of sun.

He peered out the window and the sky was a steel-grey sheet above him. The weather made him want to do nothing but curl up in a ball in front of the television, with his blanket and a cup of tea, and watch Friends re-runs all day. 

But he can't do that just yet; he has too much homework and shit to get done.

He walks over to his desk and drops all of his textbooks down with a thud, grabs a snack, and starts reading something about the Industrial Revolution and how it affected biotechnological advancements.

Earning a degree in Biology wasn't going to happen by itself.

It seemed like hours had gone by, but when he looked at his wristwatch it had only been twenty minutes. Liam and Niall wouldn't be home until another hour.

He might as well cook dinner for them. It was the least he could do to make up for always being a burden to them.

After a few minutes of searching for online recipes, he settled on making turkey sub sandwiches.

He was shit at cooking so even making something as simple as sub sandwiches was a difficult task for him.

When he was done he plodded down the hallway to his room, plopped down on his desk chair and began finishing up his homework.

About an hour and a half later, Louis heard the sound of the front door being unlocked.

Liam and Niall stepped inside with their hair wet and disheveled along with their clothes.

"What happened to you two?" Louis asked stupidly.

"It started raining outside," Liam said.

"And we both forgot our umbrellas." Niall finished. "Make us some tea?" He said with a hopeful look.

If there was one thing that Louis was good at, it had to be making tea.

"Sure," Louis rolled his eyes jokingly and tried to hide his smile. "You guys go dry yourselves and I'll make you all some tea."

He filled the kettle with lukewarm water and put it on the stove to boil.

After Niall and Liam were done showering and in their comfortable t-shirts and pajama pants, they all sat down at the table and ate dinner, telling each other about how their day had gone and chit-chatting about sports and football.

But Louis was distant, his mind somewhere far, far away.

"Louis?" Liam asked. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Louis lied, faking a smile, so the boys wouldn't worry about them.

"Wanna talk about it?" Liam asked again.

"I said I was fine!" Louis snapped.

He automatically regretted it.

The room fell silent, the only source of sound coming from Niall slowly chewing his food.

Louis knew they were just trying to help, but was it really necessary to tell them everything about his life?

"I'm sorry," Louis says quietly. "I didn't mean to yell."

"It's okay." Liam says gently, smiling at Louis.

Night time comes around and it's the worst time of the day. Louis is laying in bed and he feels guilty for going off at Liam like that.

But that's not the only reason why he does what he does next.

Louis feels nothing but darkness creeping into his mind and taking over; his thoughts filled with negativity.

And then he's in the bathroom picking up the blade, wanting, no _needing_  to feel in control of himself and his feelings again

But it helps, even if it's only for a short amount of time.

When Louis gets back into bed, he pulls the duvet over his head and closes his eyes. The room is silent.

Suddenly, his phone buzzes. He feels around for it, enters the four digit passcode, and unlocks the screen.

Louis doesn't know what to do or what to feel when he sees what it is.

It's a text message. From Harry.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for leaving me comments, I love reading them! You can follow me on twitter @pineapplezarry and on tumblr: www.soinlovewithlarry.tumblr.com for updates and chap. previews if you'd like. Xx  
> (PS i edited the previous chapters so this one was actually supposed to be 6)

  
Louis is unsure of what to do. He doesn't know if he should click the text because he's not sure if he even wants to know what it says.

But he clicks it anyway.

_'Call me._  
 _–Harry'_

Call him?! Anger starts to boil inside of Louis.

How dare he even think for one second that I would call him after all the shit that he's put me through, Louis thinks.

Louis doesn't reply back to the text, he just sets his phone aside, lays back down under the duvet and closes his eyes, trying to forget everything.

Seconds later Louis's phone vibrates again. He fumbles for his phone and unlocks the screen. It's another text from Harry.

_'You know it tells me that you've read my texts, right? Don't ignore me.'_

Louis blinks at the screen for a second, then throws his phone back on his bed and closes his eyes again.

"Damn you, Harry," he whispers.

There's another vibration and this time it's a continuous one – Harry is calling him. He ignores the call, doesn't pick up, and let's it go to voicemail.

If Harry thinks for one second, that Louis is going to answer his calls, he's fucking wrong.

He ignores the next two calls as well, crawls back under his duvet, and drifts off to sleep.

  
Louis wakes up to the sound of thunder – not the loud, scary kind, but the soft barely audible kind, the kind that's comforting – and rain falling down on the rooftops.

He lies in bed for a moment just listening to the rain, because the slight _thump thump thump_ sounds beautiful. It's extra dark outside today, not just because of the early hour but because the clouds in the sky are dark grey.

"Oi, Lou, wake up! You're gonna be late!" Niall yells, barging into his room and Louis nearly falls out of his bed.

"Seriously, Ni?! You don't have to fucking yell, you scared me to death! I'm awake, for God's sake!" Louis hisses.

"Sorry mate, don't want you to be late. Why aren't you up already?" Niall asks, munching on his toast.

"Maybe because it's only…" Louis reaches over to look at the time. " _Oh shit_! I'm late."

He scampers out of bed and throws on a clean pair of jeans and a maroon hoodie that's hanging on the back of his closet door.

"Breakfasts on the table! We'll be waiting in the car!" Niall shouts, closing the door behind him.

  
Louis is trying hard to concentrate during his lecture but it's difficult to do that with sleep heavy in his eyes. Thank god it's Friday, because he can't to this again tomorrow.

There's a vibration coming from his pocket. He fishes out his phone to find one new text message from Harry. He sighs but opens it anyway.

_'Meet me by the coffee shop near 71st after you're done with class? –Harry'_

And Louis doesn't know why, maybe because he's an idiot or maybe because it's _Harry_ , but forty-five minutes later he finds himself walking into the small, cozy coffee shop near 71st street.

He spots Harry already seated near a window and now he's thinking maybe coming here wasn't such a great idea. _No shit, Sherlock,_ the voice in his head tells him.

Harry spots him by the door and gives him a small smile.

It's too late to turn back now. He really should have thought this through.

Louis walks over and takes the vacant seat in front of Harry.

"Hey." He mumbles.

"Hey," Harry replies.

The air is stiff around them and there's a long awkward silence before Harry starts to talk.

"So, um, I was kind of a twat the other day, you know so I uh, erm, I just wanted to apologize. So, uh, I'm really sorry." Harry says it all so quickly that Louis doesn't even comprehend half of it at first.

Harry laughs nervously before continuing. "I'm shit at apologies."

Wow, Louis thinks. Is Harry really apologizing to him? Harry _never_ apologizes to _anyone_ , because let's face it, he's a douchebag. He breaks hearts and never looks back. Yet, here he is in front if Louis, asking for forgiveness.

"Look Louis. I understand if you, erm, don't accept my apologies. It's just that, I'm not really used to staying, uhm, afterwards, you know. I'm such an idiot, and no one deserves to be treated the way I treated you. I'm sorry, so so sorry."

There's a short pause before he continues.

"Can we, um, start over? Friends?" Harry asks tentatively, bringing his hand forward to shake.

Friends, he thinks. That seems okay. He can do that. He can do 'friends' even if his heart desires a bit more. 

And Louis can't say no with Harry staring at him with those big wide emerald green eyes.

"I suppose so." Louis sighs, giving in and shakes his hand.

"Great!" Harry says letting out a sigh of relief.

There's another pause.

"Do you wanna order drinks now? It's on me. Espresso? Coffee?" He asks.

"I'll take coffee." Louis replies slowly, avoiding eye contact.

After their drinks arrive, there's not much talking. They sit awkwardly in silence for most of the part.

"Shit," Louis mutters, scampering out of his chair. "My lecture started ten minutes ago."

Harry gets up too.

"Oh, uhm, well thanks for meeting me, Louis. I really appreciate it."

"Yeah, no problem. " Louis replies. "Bye." And then he's out the door.

He's walking back to campus, thinking maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe he shouldn't have forgave Harry, that he sure as hell didn't deserve it.

There's a tiny part of his brain that's constantly telling him to be the better person and just forgive and forget. But that's the thing. Louis _can't_ forget. It's not that simple.

But maybe Harry was being sincere and maybe he's not that bad. And Louis is not gettng attached to Harry again. Ever. But he's too far gone anyway. 

 

***

 

Louis gets home around 7, and all he wants to do is sleep, but it looks like that won't be happening any time soon.

There's a knock at his door.

"Come in." Louis mumbles.

"Hey, man. Niall and I were thinking about going to that party today at Kingford's Bar. It's the last week before final exams start so I thought we could all go together and have some fun before we start torturing ourselves with studying for all of our exams on Monday. Wanna come?" Liam asks hopefully.

Louis raises an eyebrow. "Liam Payne suggesting a night out? What has the world _come_ to?" He says dramatically.

Liam rolls his eyes.

"Well, I suppose I could use a night out." Louis says, standing up from where he was sitting on his bed.

"That's the spirit!" Niall exclaims, coming up from behind Liam.

Kingford's Bar is a popular local bar about three blocks away, not very far from their apartment building, so the drive there is quite short.

When they get into the bar, it's crowded, as it is a Friday night, and Niall is the first to disappear into the crowd. Liam grabs him a drink and after three shots of tequila the world starts to look a bit blurry. Liam's no where to be seen anymore.

Louis looks around the room, his eyes scanning the dance floor to look for his friends, when he sees Harry. And he's not alone. He's grinding on a tall brunette boy to a familiar sounding song.

There's a pang of jealousy in Louis's heart. It hurts to see someone you have feelings for, with someone else and it hurts even more knowing that that person probably doesn't give a shit about you.

He was wrong, when he had thought that Harry was actually being genuinely nice, when he apologized to Louis, because Harry is far from that.

"Another shot, please!" Louis turns and hollers at the very annoyed-looking bartender, who slides over another shot glass towards his direction. Soon he's downed five more and he feels even shittier and less significant than he had before.

"Hey, you okay?" A voice beside him asks.

"'M fine." Louis slurs.

"I'm Dan, by the way." The young man says, holding out his hand.

Louis shakes his hand. He probably won't even remember the boy tomorrow. "'M Louis." He mumbles.

The boy laughs, and it's a beautiful sound. "Nice to meet you Louis."

"Hey," Liam says appearing beside him. He greets Dan; the two obviously seem to know each other, and then turns back to face Louis.

"How much have you had to drink? Let me go find Niall, we should probably go home."

"Byeeee." Louis slurs to Dan, and waves his hand frantically, as Liam comes back with Niall and they leave.

They get back to the apartment by 2:00 AM and Louis is completely hammered by then. Niall's passed out on the couch, probably from having too much to drink, and Liam is trying to get Louis to go to bed.

"You look awful."

"Gee thanks, Li." Louis slurs. He feels his stomach lurch, a feeling of nausea settling over him. "Oh no-"

"What?" Liam asks worriedly.

Louis rushes out of bed, making it to the toilet just in time to throw up the contents of his stomach.

Maybe drinking too much wasn't such a great idea. He feels stupid and foolish now. Liam's beside him in an instant, rubbing his back soothingly.

Louis wonders how he got so lucky to have such wonderful friends, because he sure as hell doesn't deserve them. In fact, he doesn't deserve anything, because he feels worthless and he ruins everything.

 


	6. Chapter 6

  
Louis wakes up mid-morning the next day with a terrible hangover and it sucks now more than ever because he's got to review for his exams that start in two days, but there's no way he's getting anything done with the way he's feeling right now.

He freshens up and goes into the kitchen to make himself a cuppa; the remedy usually helps when he's got a bad hangover.

While he's stirring his tea, trying to get all the sugar particles to dissolve, a bright green sticky note, catches his eye. He walks over to it and plucks it off of where it's placed on the refrigerator door.

_Mandatory study group session. Won't be back until this evening. Don't do anything too crazy xx :)  
–Liam_

Louis sets the note down taking a sip from his cup, when suddenly he hears a muffled noise coming from the living room. He walks into the room to see a limp body laying face-down on the couch on its stomach and snoring softly.

Louis giggles at a sleeping Niall, and takes his phone out to snap a picture of the Irish boy, before sending it to Liam. Leaning closer towards Niall, he shouts right into his ear.

"Boo!"

Niall shoots up from where he was sleeping only moments ago and looks around frantically with wide eyes, before narrowing them on Louis who is now on the floor hysterically laughing.

"What the _fuck_?" He yells in his Irish accent.

"You…you should have seen… your face!" Louis says in between bursts of laughter, his face bright pink from laughing so hard at Niall's reaction.

"That was so not funny." Niall says seriously, running his hand through his disheveled, almost blonde hair, and glaring at Louis.

"Are you kidding me? That was hilarious!" Louis says bursting into a fit of laughter again.

"Dickhead." Niall mutters under his breath. "I've got an awful hangover." He groans.

They spend the next two hours eating junk food and watching crappy television shows until it's almost 2 PM, and that's when they decide it's time to get started on studying.

The next few days seem to go by quickly, due to the amount of studying and test taking.

On Friday, the last day of school before Winter holidays, Liam brings a familiar looking friend from his football team over for dinner.

"Hey," the familiar looking boy says, bringing forward his hand for Louis to shake.

"I'm Louis." He says, shaking the boys hand.

"I know." He smiles politely.

A look of confusion flashes over Louis's face and it takes him a few seconds to think about where he's seen this bloke before. He doesn't remember too vividly, but it must have been at the bar last week.

"Kingford's Bar, right?" Louis speaks. "I remember you, just don't remember your name, sorry. Was a bit drunk that night." he chuckles.

The boy barks out a laugh. "No, it's fine. I'm Dan."

"Well it's nice to meet you Dan." Louis smiles.

They all sit around the table together for dinner like any other day, laughing and talking and they all seem to get on really well with Dan, especially Niall because of their mutual interest in the same sports team. Louis learns that Dan is also from Doncaster and they even went to the same school when they were 12.

Niall and Louis clear the table after they're all done eating while Liam and Dan try to find a good movie to watch.

They settle on watching Elf, which is appropriate for the time of year, but Louis has seen it about a hundred times already and he swears if he has to watch it one more time it won't end well.

Besides, he's got a lot of packing to get done before he heads home to Doncaster for the holidays on Sunday, which is only a day away, and he hasn't even got a clue of what to pack.

Louis excuses himself and shuffles into his room, starting to pack the important things first, such as his charger, laptop, and toiletries, and then finally chooses what clothes to pack.

* * *

"Have a safe trip home and don't forget to call us if you need anything! I mean it!" Liam hollers at him seriously, concern clear in his voice and Louis knows exactly why.

"See ya in the new year, mate!" Niall bellows, waving, as Louis steps onto the train.

Louis waves back and watches them get into their trains and go their own separate destinations.

The longest they've been away from each other is two weeks and that's only due to the holidays, because every day other than the end of December and the beginning of January, they spend together.

He slumps down in his seat suddenly feeling anxious to see his family in over a year. There's a part of him that hates going home, due to the tragic events that have occurred there, but he misses his mum and sisters too much to not go.

"Louis!" His mother greets him, pulling him into a tight hug. "Oh, I've missed you! Look at you all grown up!"

Felicity and the twins are soon by his side, giggling and squealing about how glad they are that he's home.

"Hey big brother," Lottie says as he envelopes her into a hug.

"Go freshen up, Lou. I'm making you're favorite dinner," Johannah smiles. "Girls, help your brother with his bags!"

* * *

It's the day before New Years Eve, and he's taking the twins to a park nearby, when Louis gets a text from a number he doesn't recognize.

He types up a _'Who is this?'_ before shoving his phone into the pocket of his jacket. It buzzes almost a minute later.

_'This is Dan. Sorry, I got your number from Liam. I was just wondering maybe you'd like to meet up today, since we're both in Donny, if that's okay.'_

_'Uh yeah, sure. I'm actually at the park near Springs Dr. with my sisters right now, if you wanna hang?'_ Louis types, sitting down on a bench adjacent to the swing sets the girls are playing on.

_'Ok cool. See you in a bit?'_

_'Yeah'_

The next few days pass, and Louis gets to know Dan a little better. They've spent a lot of time together this week and he finds that Dan too, is in fact gay, because while they were sitting in his car after coming home from the movies one day, he leaned in and kissed Louis.

Louis should have pushed him away, should have told him to stop, because if he gets too close to someone, they leave and Louis breaks a little every time that happens.

But he doesn't push him away, instead he kisses back, a part of him liking the pain he thinks he deserves, when people leave his life.

He's just lonely in a world where everyone else seems to be happy and that's all Louis really wants. Happiness is all he wants, but it's not meant for everyone.

The sad part is that he'd rather be living a lie and be with someone, anyone, just to not feel so alone, because the loneliness often leads to him doing things he regrets later.

  
Louis leaves Doncaster three days before school starts up again, as planned with Niall and Liam. His mum and sisters come along to the train station with him, saying their farewells and giving him suffocating tight hugs, moments before his train departs.

He's going to miss them all so much, knowing he probably won't see them until summer vacation, when they all come down to visit, or until Christmas next year.

As Louis gets on the train, he's secretly happy he doesn't have to stay in that house any longer, although he will miss his family lots, because every time he's there, the terrible memories he tries so hard to push to the back of his mind, come flooding back like a tsunami.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays to you all! I apologize for not updating, I've been busy with finals and the holidays.  
> The story will make more sense when you learn about Louis's past in the future chapters.  
> Thanks for reading! I love reading your comments so please leave some below and also leave a kudos (if you want)! Xx


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo! I'm so freaking sorry I haven't updated since like January but writers block is a terrible thing and this story was moving so slowly and I had no idea what to do but I'm back now and the story will finally be moving forward and I think you guys will like it eventually. THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR PATIENCE YOU'RE ALL AWESOME.

 

 It's not that Louis hates parties, _but_ he hates parties. It's quite funny actually, because once upon a time he used to be the biggest party boy ever.

Spending his nights out, dancing with random boys while he was buzzed and coming home at the crack of dawn was a normal thing for him, at one point in time. But after a while it was all just the same thing every night, same routine, the same people at the same stupid parties.

It got old very fast.  Louis, Niall, and Liam were invited at some stupid party at a club, something about celebrating the start of the new term, thrown by Zayn, one of Harry's super rich friends and one half of Louis wanted to see him but the other half just wanted to forget everything and skip this goddamn party, because who the fuck even cares. 

Eventually he does go to the party, only because he doesn't want Liam and Niall to worry about him and stay home with him because he's fine, he really is. 

As they enter the club, he's swarmed by sweaty bodies and obnoxiously loud music that makes his head hurt. Liam and Niall disappear to go get drinks at the bar and Louis is left standing alone not knowing what to do with himself. 

That is until a pair of hands covers his eyes.

"Guess who?"  And Louis has got no idea who the deep voice belongs to.

 "Um, Liam? Ni? Is that you? S'not funny." He whines. 

The hands disappear and he's spun around to familiar brown eyes. 

"Oh hey." He says smiling up at Dan, apparently the owner of the hands that were just over his eyes about 30 seconds ago.

  "Hey yourself. Wanna go grab a drink?" 

"Yeah, sure." He smiles. 

They have a seat at the fancy bar joining Liam and Niall. Louis orders a funny dark purple drink and it's a little too strong but he thinks he'll manage.

It's only been about 10 minutes since the four of them have been sitting there talking about their plans and goals for the new year ('Haha' Louis thinks, because no one _ever_ sticks to their New Years resolutions. They're a waste of time to come up with, in his opinion) when Harry and and another dark haired bloke have a seat right at the barstools in front of them. 

But Louis is a little intoxicated by the funny dark purple drink and he knows he should just ignore the curly headed boy but he just can't. 

His mind is a little fuzzy at this point so he leans in and kisses Dan right on the mouth, cutting him off about whatever the hell he was talking about.  Louis doesn't know what he was babbling on about because he wasn't really paying attention anyway. 

The only thing he can concentrate on right now is to make Harry jealous and the fact that he's sitting not even 10 feet away makes Louis's stomach feel funny inside.  He pulls away and glances at Harry who is staring back at him right in the fucking eyes while he leans into the dark haired bloke and kisses him fiercely. 

Two can play this game, Louis thinks as he kissed Dan again. 

He opens his eyes during the kiss to glance at Harry and he's got his fucking tongue shoved down Dark Haired Bloke's mouth. 

So he kisses Dan even harder and soon the two pairs are having an intense make out session.  It's suddenly gets a little all too much for Louis, probably the effect of the drink wearing off and he's pulling away from Dan and scrambling up out of the barstool, feeling really stupid. 

"S-sorry." He mumbles quickly, turning around and trying to find Liam and Niall in the crowd of swarming bodies, without looking back and making eye contact with Dan.  He finds Liam near the back with a guy who kind of looks like Zayn, although it's hard to make out what he looks like because he's turned around. 

He doesn't want his friends to have to leave because of him. They seem to be having a good time and he doesn't wanna be the one to ruin their night. 

Niall is nowhere to be seen and Louis feels an urgent need to leave. He feels like he can't breathe in the crowded room. He rushes past the crowd towards the small red exit sign, finally getting some fresh air outside.

  Half-slumping, half-standing he leans against the red brick wall littered with graffiti trying to breathe regularly, with his eyes closed. 

Louis feels a hand at his waist and a tiny smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Dan must've followed him out here to make sure he was okay. It felt nice to have someone genuinely care about you. 

"Shhh…" Dan whispered, tenderly. 

A pair of soft lips are soon at his neck, kissing agonizingly slow, making his heartbeat quicken and his breath catching in his throat. 

It just feels so good.

He feels hot breath at the corner of his mouth and the pair of lips that were at his neck are now pressing against his mouth, softly.

The kiss is so sweet and slow and tender. Nothing feels out of place. It all feels perfect.

When Dan pulls away, he shortly feels disappointed. But when he opens his eyes, it's not Dan's eyes that stare back into his.

It's Harry's.

 

* * *

 

 

Shocked is an understatement. He's losing it, absolutely freaking out at the moment.

 

A red blush creeps over his cheeks and he can feel the heat on his face. He's not sure whether it's from embarrassment of if he's actually blushing.

Louis quickly looks away, pushes himself off the brick wall, and turns to walk away. 

"Wait," He hears Harry's deep voice call after him. "Come back! I wanna talk to you."

Louis stops, hesitates for a second, contemplating whether to turn around or not. 

He doesn't. 

He keeps walking without another glance towards the curly haired boy, who pulls at his heart strings. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll update more often I promise :) also I'm thinking of starting a new fic (a long oneshot) actually but I'm not starting it until I finish this one! This one will probably end up having about 10 or 11 chapters I'm not sure yet! Stay tuned!


	8. Chapter 8

When Louis wakes up the next morning, his head aches, just like his poor little heart.

It's the last day before classes start up again. He sighs, turning over on his side to grab his phone off the cherry wood nightstand, a routine since, well, as long as he can remember.

 He has two missed calls and one voicemail.

Shit.

A sense of déjà vu washes over Louis as he hits the 'view' button.

 Harry. 

Two missed calls and a voicemail from Harry. 

He sits up and rubs his eyes, trying to get the sleepiness out of them. The phone rings again and in his groggy state, Louis' finger accidentally hits the 'answer' button. 

Shit. It's was from Harry. 

Oh well, go big or go home. He brings the phone up to his ear.  "Hello." The deep, sensual voice on the other line said. 

"Oh. Hi." 

"Um, hey Lou. D-do you grab s-some dinner together t-tonight?"  Harry stuttered.

Harry Styles does not fucking stutter. 

Louis felt his heart beating a mile a minute in his rib cage. 

Was Harry asking him out?

"Uh-" Louis hesitated before he was cut off by Harry.

"Look I know I've been an asshole to you lately, and uh, well actually I've always been an asshole to you, but consider this my way of apologizing. I have some things I need to sort out with you."

Louis was still dreaming. He was sure of it. He set the phone down and rubbed his eyes again, then blinked hard. Nope, not a dream. This was real. 

He picked up the phone again. 

"P-please say something." Harry pleaded. 

"No." Louis said.

He wasn't falling into Harry's traps anymore. Not again.

"I already have plans." He lied. 

"Fine. Then have lunch with me." Harry completely ignored the part where Louis had said he had plans. 

"Have lunch with me." Harry repeated. It wasn't a question.  Louis sighed. So much for not falling into Harry's little traps. 

"Fine." Louis complied.  Harry sounded ecstatic on the other end of the line, as soon as the word left Louis mouth. 

"Great! Pick you up at 10?"

"Ok." 

It took Louis about an hour to just decide what to wear. There were clothes strewn across his room, to the point where he couldn't even see his carpet or his bed anymore. 

He finally decided on a dark gray button down with the sleeves rolled all the way down so his scars weren't visible and dark denim jeans. 

Liam and Niall were still sleeping when Louis left the apartment.

The January air was cold and harsh against Louis' skin as he stepped outside. He spotted Harry leaning against his car with dark shades on, even thought there was only a tiny hint of sunlight surrounded by the cloudy gray sky. 

He hadn't been expecting him just yet. 

Louis tentatively took a step towards Harry, then had the sudden urge to run back inside his apartment and hide. But, he looked up right at that moment and waved, his lips curving up into a smile. 

Louis gave a him a small smile as he approached him. 

"Hey." Louis said. 

"Hey," There was a slight pause before Harry continued. "I didn't think you would come."

"Neither did I." Louis said truthfully. He scanned Harry's face, but his expression was unreadable. 

Harry walked to the passenger side to open the door for Louis. 

"Wait," he said, kneeling down in front if Louis. 

Louis questionably raised an eyebrow at him.

"Your shoe is untied."

 _Oh_ , Louis thought. _Must've forgotten to tie it on my way out._  

"There," Harry smiled up at Louis, as he got back up on his feet. "Now you won't fall."

Too late. He'd already fallen for Harry. 

The drive to the diner was one that was filled with awkward silence. Neither of the boys said much to each other, except when Harry opened Louis' car door Louis mumbled a quick thank you to him. 

The afternoon seemed to go on well and the stiff air around them had settled down. Louis ordered a chicken caesar salad with some fries and a vanilla shake while Harry ordered a bacon cheeseburger and water.

Conversation was starting to flow slowly and it wasn't awkward anymore. Harry was actually really funny and he really knew how to make someone laugh. 

"So, I actually had something else planned for us after lunch…" Harry trailed off in a suggesting tone which made Louis raise an eyebrow in response. "Do you like bowling?"Harry asked with a kind smile.

Two hours later they were back in front of Louis' apartment complex. 

"Thanks," Louis said. "I had a nice time today. Bowling was fun and I totally beat your ass."

"That's only because I let you win." Harry chuckled. 

"Sure you did." Louis replied sarcastically. 

"Maybe… we can do it again sometime?" Harry suggested cautiously. 

Louis nodded in agreement. Just as he was about to pull the door handle of the car to get out, Harry caught his wrist. Louis turned back and looked down at where Harry was holding onto his wrist, then looked up at Harry and then back down to where Harry's hand connected with Louis' wrist. 

Louis shot Harry a questioning look, trying to pull his arm away, but Harry's grip was firm as he let out an exasperated sigh. 

"Look," Harry started. "I-I'm sorry for what I've done in the past. Can we just forget about everything that's happened before and start over? I know I've been a jerk and I wanna make it up to you. Look Louis, I _really_ like you and I just want to make this right."

Louis blinked at Harry. He didn't know what to say. 

"Go out with me again on Friday? But this time an actual date? I won't fuck up again, I promise. I wanna make things right with you. I understand if you don't want to go, I won't blame you for saying n–"

"I'll go." Louis said, surprising himself. _You stupid twat,_ the little voice in his head told him. _Don't do it. He'll just screw you over again._ But Harry seemed sincere about this. 

"I don't blame you for saying no at all– wait what?" Harry said, looking surprised. 

"I said, I'll go."

"Oh, well that's great then!" Harry said excitedly. He seemed serious about this whole thing. "I'll pick you up on Friday then? How does 7 o'clock sound?"

"Sounds good." Louis said opening the car door. 

His body was a thunderstorm, his heart beating as fast as lightning and he could hear the thumping of his pulse in his ears because Harry fucking Styles had just admitted that he liked him. Harry liked him. 

"Wait!" Harry spoke, just as Louis was about to get out of the passenger seat. "You forgot something."

"What?" Louis asked. He had everything he needed. What had he forgotten?"

"This." Harry whispered before leaning in and planting a soft, tender kiss on Louis' lips. Louis was pretty sure that Harry could hear his heart beating. It was loud. And fast. 

The kiss was different; it was nice and short and sweet. 

When Harry pulled away he looked hesitant, like he had crossed some sort of boundary and Louis was astonished. 

"Well I better get going. Um, bye." Louis said. 

"Yeah." Harry spoke, and Louis thought he saw a wave of disappointment on his face.

So Louis shot him a reassuring smile and waved as he walked to the door and fumbled for his key in his pocket, which made Harry's mouth curve up into a dazzling grin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) don't forget to comment and leave a kudos. Love you all xx


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